Life goes on....

Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but, rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy   Unknown


I really did not plan to post about this, but, since my shrink was out of town this week and I normally see her on Thursdays, consider this a "session."

When I lost my Mom 24 years ago, I thought that life could not get any crappier. Of course, I was wrong, but, nonetheless, at the time, my...OUR lives just seemed so...empty. We are a close knit family and our parents - Mom, especially - was the glue that held us together. It was darker for me because I'm named after her. I remember my father, who was trying to get a picture of my Mom and I while we were on vacation in San Francisco, telling us, "I want a picture of my two Nancy's...smile, my Nancy's." A month later, she was gone.

If the pain of losing a parent has such an effect on the child, Lord have mercy....I can't even imagine what my life would be without my boys.

This past Saturday, we lost my Father in Law.  He had been fighting cancer for a little bit and, man, did he fight! But, at 88 years old, the fight takes so much out of you and the pain...oh my goodness, the pain he went through! Hubby and our two kids visited him daily. Because of my school schedule (night classes), I saw him 3-4 evenings a week. I loved him dearly. With him, there was no drama or issues of my parenting skills or whether or not his son and grandsons were happy. He told me once, "I trust you." I was shocked...and, so humbled by his words. It meant so much to me that I had gained his approval, trust and love.

On Monday, Hubby tells me quietly, "It seems strange that I'm not rushing to see him after work anymore." There was nothing I could say to that. Instead, I just pulled him close and held him.

Our two boys are taking it differently - my 13 year old is angry...who can blame him? It's a crappy day when the man you looked up to is gone from your life - I was angry, too, when I lost Mom. I know how it feels. Screw you, world...that's pretty much how you feel.

Now, my 10 year old...my poor baby. He wavers between hurt and sorrow...silence and crying. I can see him struggling to remember everything that Grandpa taught him, because memories keep him alive in his head and his heart. Nothing wrong with that - I do the same with Mom.

While my oldest - who is now 20 - is not his flesh and blood,  Dad-in-Law never treated him any different than my other two Stooges. Because he was my son, that made him his grandson. And, my oldest has dealt with losing a parent himself...when he was 6, his father had died of a massive heart attack.

A few years ago, we had lost Hubby's brother to cancer. Losing both of them in such a short period of time has put a toll on Hubby and his Mom.

We all know Daddy-in-Law is at peace now - no more pain, no more suffering, no more struggling. But, even though we know all of that, it doesn't lessen the grief, pain, sorrow...emptiness that the rest of us are dealing with...right now. In time, the pain will heal...and, so will we. Its what he would have wanted for all of us...to be happy with our memories of him and hope that they make us smile...don't worry, Daddy-in-Law, they will.

Life is...too short, too fragile to let it pass by. If I believe in anything, its this...tell your spouse, your children, your siblings, your parents...whoever...everyday "I love you." Don't fill your days with regrets; if there are any, learn from them...so you don't repeat them. Fill your soul, your heart with every emotion that you can and...just FEEL. Open your mind so that you can experience all that there is around us. To do this, to experience this...that's what living is. That's what our lives should be all about.

Well, this about concludes my hour session...I have no funny line or catchy phrase to end this post. Instead, I will say what is in my heart.

Love you, Daddy-in-Law, and you will be missed so very much....